Brain farts

Ill write alot of random crap here...... So this is a warning about the randomness thats about to ensue

I feel myself drifting away from normal life........ My daily rhytm is a complete mess... I more or less only sleep every other day and spend like 30 hours watching documentaries on schizophrenia and propelling myself into a state of despair......... I know exactly what will happen if I dont get atleast 8 hours sleep.... I usually sleep 10-12 hours at a time for some reason.... The idea of going to bed at midnight then waking up at 9 am seems like a silly idea when I have nothing to do throughout the day. The small glimpses of excitement come when someone visits me... Other than that I am very withdrawn from society and only venture out when I need to go shopping....

I hate being outside... Left to fend for myself against a plethora of impressions being thrown my way.. Todays society is highly visual and youre bombarded with impressions the moment you make contact with the outside world... ”Buy this” ”this is going on in africa” etc......

I hate having to interact with the world. When I have a bad day I want to be left on my own or when I do go to Copenhagen city to shoot pictures of the homeless I want to be on my own... The only people I interact with at that point are the homeless themselves.... Last time I went out someone from UNICEF stopped me and started talking..... That pisses me off..... I dont enjoy prolonged conversations in the open as I am very fragile once out of the security of my home and theese people stop you and start forcing you to take a stand... I worked for a relief organization once and I know how they are trained... Its not simply a matter of asking people if they want to help out... Its basically forcing an ideology down their throats, not taking no for an answer and being overly agressive in your quest to ensure a new member signs up... Moreover you are weighed and judged by the number of people you sign up......

I hate the prolonged speeches about how miserable everyone in africa is and even though I say that I have no money theese people go on and on about how I should feel sorry... I usually tell them to skip that part and just sign up.. that means they get a new member and keep their boss happy and I dont have to have more pressure pushed onto my shoulders.........

I seldomly leave the appartment though... Being outside frightens me... I love concerts but concerts mean beer in order to be able to stand being with so many people... My preffered music is metal and that is a bombardment of sound plus you have to deal with all theese people around you.... I usually stay at the back of the hall and if I can I get a friend to go with me............

I feel like no matter what I do, its never good enough... My mother for instance thinks that I am unable to take care of myself and wants me to live in a supervised housing facility. I say that I want to fend for myself and that I can get better with time.... Ive started to believe her..... I cant get better with time..... I get theese major depressive phases every once in a while... Often it happens once a month.. No energy and no will to fight anything.. I stay in my appartment not watching the news not caring about what goes on in the world.....

Ive been stuck in this hole for the past 9 years. My total years of illness total to about 14 years when I do the math... Thats a long fucking time... The majority of which I went untreated and at my minds mercy... they say that treatment is most effective if you intervene early... Somehow I think I accepted help too late....

The mortality rate for people with schizophrenia is frightening... up to 13% succesfully kill themselves while a staggering 60% of all males suffering have attempted suicide one time or more......... I think in total Ive had about 10 suicide attempts... 1 or 2 of which were more serious than just attempting......... I tried seriously to strange myself at around age 14... I tied a shirt around my neck and proceeded to tighten it until I couldnt breathe.. at some point I chickened out and untied it.... Last time was about two years ago when I tried hanging myself on my balcony....... I regained sanity and stopped what I was doing right then and there......... Another time I tried cutting open the veins in my arm to bleed myself to death but the pain was too great and now all that remains are some scars running along my arm....... I had no idea you had to cut that deeply to sever the arteries........

In my history with self harm I have cut myself well over a 1000 times probably........ My arms are testimony to a life led in pain and misery....... It remains the only thing that can put my mind at ease............

Its intoxicating... It brings about a state of euphoria when I see the blood trickling down.. More so when I really put my strength into it.... then youll have a multitude of feelings happening

Youll have the release of energy when you stop because you were putting effort in. As always when you put alot of force into something the feeling after is amazing.. Your muscles relax and you feel really good.

The adrenaline that begins to flow because your body is hurt and therefore enacts its defenses to diminish the pain felt.
The joy of seeing blood.. I know this sounds insane but seeing the fruits of your labour flowing down your arm makes you feel good about yourself.

I borrowed some money from my dad.... For once I would like it if he didnt say ”You need to get control over your economy son” I know he means well but to me it feels like he is putting blame on me.. Judging me from afar... My paranoia kicks in and I feel like a dissapointment.. This furthers my depressive thoughts which are always present... A darkness starts spreading within me and grows over time. For once I would love it if he just said... Here you go son.. Pay me back when you can..... That would leave no strings and it wouldnt make me feel less of myself...

I feel the urge to self harm more prevalent theese days. I started feeling really good not long ago. My negative emotions being diminished to the point where I could only feel a slight sting of pain.. Something that was overshadowed by the joy I felt. With this condition there is no mellow.... Its either really happy or really sad... And now Im starting to propell myself into a state of depression from which I find it hard to escape...
The woman who takes care of my treatment likes to say that maybe this time wasnt as bad as in the beginning of it all... The fact is that this time was as bad as the beginning plus abit more... It put me right back to when I was a teenager and felt miserable every second of the day...

The depression starts as a feeling of not being comfortable.. No matter what you do you cant find any rest, you feel slightly sick.... You know that feeling when you are about to come down with the flu. You feel uneasy and feel slightly sad... Your instinct tells you to withdraw because youre ill... That feeling is in my body when I start becoming depressed. The feeling of self loathing and the feeling of being depressed for no reason... I can feel the tears pressing forward on my eyes but I cant seem to cry..........

Ive started giving up hope. The treatment is long and tiresome with only slight improvements made every day... And I am actually really good at therapy sessions... I take it in and learn from it instantly.. Ive always been very impressionable and if you tell me that there are ghosts in my appartment I will start cultivating that thought to the point where Ill be afraid of going to bed, even though I know that there cant be ghosts in my appartment......

I feel bad right now....... I feel like massive weights are pressing down upon me and the darkness is taking hold... I even wrote a suicide letter to this girl I like.... I dont know why I put her through all of this... Is it to test her? I dont know...... I feel like a bastard for putting everything on her shoulders but so far she has been nothing but supportive and still wants to date me which is awesome......... I hope that being with her will lighten up the day but I doubt it.........

I hope this time it wont be another two months of feeling depressed......... Time will tell........ Time will tell.........

An update.........

Wow... has it been a month already..........

I meant to write something but the words didnt come out easy... Its been a crazy ass month this June.

As Ive already hinted at Ive been a bit depressed lately.. Not suicide depressed depressed but nor was it much fun...

Each day a battle to get out of bed before 4pm each day a struggle to find a ray of sunshine.

Today is no different. I woke up and instantly knew this day would suck. The feeling of despair settled in my body as it woke up and I realized that I am stuck. Completely fucking stuck. Its a downward spiral this welfare business. On one hand I need some sort of help from the governemnt to keep alive. I cant work for much more than a few hours each day and that wont cut it as far as making ends meet goes. And right now I cant work at all. Ive turned day into night and I always seem to find some lame excuse to stay up all night and drink beers.

Which leads me to my next subject. I went to a festival in Copenhagen called Copenhell. A varitable feast for a metal head. They got metal karaoke even. At this festival some of my favorite bands were playing. Slayer, Immortal, Dying Fetus the list goes on and on. Yet I didnt experience most of it. Why you ask. Well let me tell you.

The day started at 9am. I hadnt been feeling well for some time (two months) and I was abit worried and stressed out about this reviewing a festival thing. The idea of them not having me on the guestlist (as have been the case for the majority of concerts Ive gone to in the last year) frightened me. The fact that I would have spend money on beer, food and transportation to go here and then I wasnt on the list. Money I didnt have to begin with. But all my worries were put to rest when in fact they did have me on the list. I was handed my press paraphenalia and then went to my friends in a club house to get some food and drink a few beers.

It went really well theyre cool guys and we had ourselves something to drink. For my part I had only bought a few beers. I dont exactly have the best track record. I usually get blind drunk and dont remember much of the ordeal. When I had a few drinks in may I actually broke down crying and was about to go through with a suicide if it hadnt been for some of the most kickass friends youll ever find.

I go to the festival grounds to catch the first band on the list. Skeletonwitch. A kind of boring concert and after having watched most of it I got a drink and went to sit somewhere while waiting for Killswitch Engage. I brought a notepad so I could take down notes while there so I wouldnt forget the major important things that went on.

I meet this guy from Ecuador whos really nice and cool. We get some beers on his expense and talk for a while. He comments on my arms and in that volatile state of being slightly inebriated AND abit down and out it doesnt sit well with me. I didnt lash out or anything but I did feel slightly sad that I wasnt wearing a long sleeved shirt.

Anyway. We watch the concert and towards the end my friend txts me and says he has arrived. So I go to meet him.

I get some more beers and all is fine in the kingdom of me. He said later on that I did look abit out of it which I didnt notice at the time. That day I had high spirits and was excited to be trusted with such a massive thing as reviewing a festival is. We drink some beers and walk around. Watching the shows I have to watch plus abit more. We then take seat on a hill waiting for Anthrax. Halfway through the concert my friend and his friend decide to go to the bathroom then (as I heard later on) they start talking and drinking down there. In other words. They dont come back and Im left with their friend whom I dont know. But Im great with people and we talk alot about Anthrax. Or well I educate him about the band. He then goes to the bathroom and Im left all alone on the hill. Thats when it starts to hit me. The combination of the constant barrage of new things and sound and the beer that had gotten me kind of drunk is not mixing well. I start feeling sad and depressed. When he comes back I excuse myself, go to the bathroom and then decide to go home. It wasnt the right decision but I tried staying there.I went to the side of the stage and watched some more of the concert but my anxiety was eating me up. I quickly made my way to the exit and the rest is kind of a blur. I walk and walk and walk and have no idea where Im headed. I just walk. I sit down on the side of the road a bunch of times and start crying calling out for the Psychiatric emergency room. A car stops and the driver asks if Im okay. I tell him Im fine and that I dont need help. He drives off.

While walking I called my contact and he tried to guide me. He then said that he would make sure I was headed the right direction before he took off and went to my home to help me get to the ER. I walked about three km which seemed like twenty and it took me about 2 hours. I call my friend when I arrive in my town and he can hear that all is not well. He takes his car and meets me at my place. We talk and when my contact arrive we go to the ER.

The ER cant help me although I am clearly not well. My anxiety had gone but the feeling was still nestled in my body. They asked me if I had any plans to kill myself and I said ”No but I wouldnt mind not exisiting” If thats not a trigger word then I dont know what the hell is then. Anyways. I get home my contact leaves and me and my friend talk until about 3 am where I am so tired from the pills I took that I want to go to bed. Again my amazing friends come to the rescue and help me out when Im in my most fragile state of being. My contact is also the guy who stayed with me in May when I was contemplating suicide after my breakdown at the bar.

The following days I was completely drained of energy. Couldnt do anything apart from just sit and stare at my computer. After that I was back to just being depressed and self destructive.

Ive had a few good days recently. My weekend was a bit messed up. I slept a few hours here and there but mostly I kept up all night and went to bed at 6pm. That is all sorted now. The next task is learning how to get up before 4pm.

Right now Im back to feeling like shit and self destructive. I feel like the walls are moving in on me and I can physically see the walls of my room moving. My shelves are tipping over and everything isnt settled and standing still. Its weird how this hallucination business works out aint it.

I would write more but this has taken a good portion of my energy and my mood is getting gradually worse with each sentence. I will do an update when I have the mind power for it

Cheerios

My mother ladies and gentlemen

Hey blogspot.. Its been awhile.. How you been?

Me ?

Ive been doing okay... You know not really bad not really good.. Stable is what Id call it.... Really nice to not really feel either great pain or great joy.... My weekend was spent trying to get stable to the point where I actually started doing my dishes and cleaning.... Havent showered for a while tho... but thatll change tomorrow.... Its half past 1 am here so not gonna do that right now...

Anyway... My weekend was decent enough.. Kind of starved for attention as everybody was out of town and I had no fucking money coz they screwed it up again... Did I already write that ? Cant remember

Anyway.... Yesterday.. Monday... I got a surprise call from my mother... Drunk off her ass and talking complete bullshit.. As per usual....

So heres a lil story about my beloved mother....

My mother who pretty early on in my life declared her utter distaste for me. When I was first born it was a laborious proces. First I wasnt coming out the right way so they had to give her a c section mid birth.

The wound got infected and she was hospitalized doped up on morphine for like two weeks. The doctors then told her I was born retarded and if she had the strength she said she would have thrown me out of the window...

So the lines were drawn from day one...

As I hit 13 my illness started kicking in and I became more and more isolated... She responded by constantly fighting with me.. Fights I picked but fights she should be the bigger person and stop. Sometimes she started them.

She got drunk every single weekend. Sitting up all night by the phone and calling everyone in her phonebook sometimes falling asleep while on the phone with someone.

In theese times whenever I would go to the bathroom she would call me to the living room and then start asking me if she was a bad mother and talk about her dad and her work. I was real young with this shit started and not ready to deal with all her problems.

My littlesister would often stay up all night coz she would wake up hearing my mothers voice in the living room. She would then walk aimlessly around with a shitty diaper and whenever I found her I would change her and bring her to my room until her dad came and picked her up. This happened a fair few times and must have been a massive strain on my sister.

Anyway... There are so many details but I cannot be arsed to list em all...

When I moved to Copenhagen to live with my dad she was nice all of a sudden.. Crying and saying I would never come back. I promised her I would indeed come back and I continued to visit her long after I left home.

I was put on medication around age 16. Medicine with the side effect that I became very tired. The medication was supposed to be like this for a few weeks until it started working. Angry at my dad because of being in a home where all of a sudden I had rules to follow and expectations to live up to I went to my mums for dinner with my girlfriend. And my mum took my pills and read me the side effects. Blowing them way out of proportions and in the end she got me to quit taking them and have a very deep running hatred of psychiatri. She took her own fear of psychiatry coz of what happened to her dad and transferred it to me.

Man if only I could have accepted the help back then things would look different now. But no she had to interfere.

Well days turn to weeks turn to years and things go on. I continue talking to my mother because I might not be overecstatic about my parental situation but theyre the only ones Im gonna get. And after I moved out my mom became alot more tolerable.

Anyway... Fast forward to last year. We go on vacation together. And on the last night there. On my fucking birthday. She rips me a new arsehole. She starts casual. Why dont you like your brother? I have to explain that my brother represents all the qualities I hate in other human beings. He is so incredibly shallowed pretentious and got theese big ideas about what life should be. Namely working yourself to death and getting married. He is another sheep in the flock and he frequently lets me know what a dissapointment I am to my family.

Then she starts telling me that I only want to spend time with her because I want her money. Which is so far from the truth its nowhere to be seen. I used to spend time with my mum because I enjoyed her company and was happy that we seemed to be on the same page. That she had my back and supported me in my fight against this illness. I was sadly mistaken as she was about to show me.

She told me I spent too much time being ill. That I was hiding behind my diagnosis and that I had to get over it. She did after all conquer a brief stint with depression and talking to the shrink made her all energetic. I had to try and explain how talking to anyone about personal stuff and using my mind like that tires me the fuck out. She said that yeah sure she had felt like suicide but she got over it. I then told her how I wake up every morning and have been for the past 10 years (at that point) feeling like I needed to end my life. I tried to explain to her about the frantic states of mind and how I perceived reality. She was listening but not really. She continued verbally assaulting me and at the end I told her goodnight then went to bed.

I wrote her when I got home and told her I thought her behaviour was unacceptable and that I didnt want to talk to her anymore... It was a long drawn out facebook fight with her deleting me off both skype and facebook in the process...

At the end she wrote me and tried to guilt trip me into saying I was sorry but I remained cold and told her that if she wanted to cut me out of her life then that was how it was gonna happen..... She then called and asked us to reconcile.

Ever since then Ive had a strained relationship with my mother. I dont contact her about anything.

Then a few weeks ago when life was really tough I did. Because I thought she might like to know and maybe come visit. She never visited she never called.

Then yesterday she called me. Completely drunk and talking about how she wanted me to live in a protected enviroment. With professionals to waiter on me because I obviously didnt function on a day to day basis. Ill keep it short as Im tired and need to make an important email...

She told me I was VERY VERY ill.. She said she doesnt believe in psychiatry.. She said I wasnt intelligent when I said I had insights that people would kill for after three years of therapy (that shit does that to you). She said I lived in a different world than that of the rest of the world.

She tried guilt tripping me into doing something just to give her peace at mind. Nothing this woman does is a selfless act of kindness. Theres always a catch.

After having listened to her drunken babble for quite some time she told me goodnight and I hit my enrage timer.

After that Ive been feeling quite shit. But Ive reached a decision. Im cutting her from my life like the cancerous growth she is.

Goodbye mum...

To quote Tech N9ne

I love you but fuck you !

Update

Its been a few days since my last confession....

I cant find the energy to keep this blog updated on a daily basis so Ill just do it here and there and now its been 3 days and I have something to talk about yet again....

I was supposed to get paid on the 31^st, meaning yesterday, and I was supposed to go to the store and buy a ton of meats so Id have for the rest of the month and didnt have to worry about feeding myself until next month. Well its funny how things work out isnt it. I checked my account balance to find that I had only been given 500 dkr which is next to nothing seeing as Im supposed to get 7800 dkr. So I called the council and after trying three times I got through and asked them what the hell was up with my welfare. Well turns out my case worker hadnt replied to an important mail about the details of my welfare and thus they hadnt been able to give me any money. My case worker is notorious for being impossible to get through to and quite lazy so I was panicking.

I got her number through an employee at my old course and then called her. Turns out she had been on vacation and yet again hadnt given my case on to somebody else to handle. She apologized and fixed it. So now Im waiting for my money to go through the system and Ill have them tuesday or wednesday. Its the best they can do and I guess Im okay with that. It doesnt really matter when I get them as long as I have enough to survive until then.

I then txted my dad, who is on vacation with his wife in Sweden, and asked if I could borrow some money so I would have enough to keep me tied over till next week and to pay my phone bill. He gave me the money and a few words with them....

When I discovered I hadnt gotten paid my initial response was that of anger. Then when I had to get through to my case worker I started panicking and feeling this thing in my stomach that kept growin in size. This dark dark feeling of depression sneaking up on me yet again. When I then borrowed the money from my dad my downfall was made complete. He wants the best for me but I dont need to hear that ”you WILL pay me back next week and youve borrowed x amount of money so far, you need to get your economy under control son”. It pains me. It really does. To know that Im a major dissapointment to my family and to know that no matter how supportive they are they still have that little hint of doubt in me.

So I called my friend Janus and was on the verge of crying. I asked him if he could come over and keep me company as it was all abit too much right now. He did just that. Dropped what he had in his hands and drove over and stayed here till about 1 am.

We had some good talks and went for a burger aswell. While sitting in the kebab place I couldnt focus on the conversation having to constantly keep check of my surroundings and at one point I completely zoned out for several minutes before I was brought back down. It was weird and I started doubting that I was fit for society at this point. Maybe getting admitted would be a really good idea just to take the top off and to settle down and chill for a bit.

I even started crying when I was talking about some painful stuff. We have the best talks and I think he understands me better than anybody ever will. He said that despite the things I was fighting I was surprisingly well functioning which made me kind of proud. The fact that I can be very ill and still nobody can tell me apart from someone normal.

When I feel down and friends come over I switch my focus to the person Im entertaining. Sure I might zone out often and get my thoussand yard stare on but other than that Im quite nice to be around.

Today I went to see my psychiatrist and talk about what was going on at the moment. I told her Im considering getting admitted to a ward because its too much to handle at the moment. She then, surprisingly, said that she doesnt know if Ill actually benefit from being admitted. Sure it might take the edge of but it wasnt in my best interest to get admitted as I wouldnt benefit from it. Which made me happy because she is a professional tasked with treating me for this devilish disease and there she is telling me that she thinks I wouldnt benefit from an admission to a ward.

I havent heard of anyone dealing with the same illness that hasnt been admitted atleast once and I thought for sure that my time had come. My mind is unravelling at the moment and the depressiveness and self harm is more or less out of control. But according to her its because there has been ALOT of change recently and its only natural that I get stressed out with that much going on. She is confident that things will clear up when I start my new project in a weeks time and that makes me confident.

Thats all for me tonight... Good night

Being manic

So its been awhile.. And Im sitting here, once again, after midnight thinking a million thoughts a second again. So I thought. Lets get that shit on paper and publish it.. For my own personal gain...

Ive noticed that nobody reads this blog and Im actually kind of happy about that.. This is my own personal experiences with Schizophrenia and a journal I keep to detail my recovery and have something to look back at so I can see what was going on in my mind at the time. Like the scars on my arms it will serve as a reminder that the mind is a terrible thing to waste and of just how low Ive been. Thus enabling me to get some perspective and come back harder. I dont know why I had to justify myself right there but hey Im fucking hyper atm so nothing makes sense....

So... Ive actually been pretty stable the past few days... My mood is sort of indifferent or well has been indifferent. When I woke up I was kind of stuck in a hole. Abit pissy and abit down. I had to get up early and basically run to the town administration office to hand in a paper to ensure I get my welfare. Everything worked out and they promised me Ill get paid on thursday so thats where it all started going upwards. I went home and saw I had a mail from Relapse Records in my inbox. And lo and behold it had the new Dying Fetus album in it. A band I love and luckily I got permission from my editor to download and review it. So it went upwards abit more. Then I got my coffee and now were talking serious fucking caffeine high. I then started planning how to spend my money efficiently and this whole feeling of security contributed to my high. I rose and rose through the skies and reached the outer reaches of the earth. Nothing could bring me down...

The thing with Schizophrenia is that sometimes you will get theese sort of manic phases where everything seems to revolve around you. My delusions feed into this since today it seems like everything has happened for a reason. Every little thing on my way today was put there by the gods or the suits behind the scenery and I know it seems weird but thats what I feel like. I know its not true and I dont believe in fate but today it certainly seems like the entire world revolves around me and only me.

When I get like this I go so high that I loose touch with earth. I go farther than my lifesupport can handle and thats when the fall kicks in. A seemingly endless fall triggered by the fact that your brain is so full of signals to interpret that it just shuts down. The entire overjoyed state of mind shifts and turns into depression and sends you falling faster than anyone can catch you. I know because Ive been here before. Ive gone through this countless times already. Being so manic and happy thinking that everything is put in your way for a reason. Spending tons of cash on pointless things because you get a wicked impulse in your brain that tells you that you have to have this now and that it wont be there next month when you can actually afford it. People with schizophrenia often act on impulse alot and I am very guilty of that. It makes me fun to be around as Ill get weird ideas in the middle of the night and act on them, but its dangerous for me as its not just like an idea that pops up into my mind. Its a need or a craving for something that I cant ignore. For instance. When Ive gone to bed and cant sleep all of a sudden I will get this idea that I need food. Im not really hungry or anything I just want to eat. So instead of ignoring that and getting a good nights sleep I get out of bed and cook not because I want to but because I have to. Otherwise bad stuff will happen.
Ive been to many record stores and bought a ton of vinyls that I couldnt afford but simply because my brain was telling me that I need to get theese things otherwise something will happen.

So here I am. Almost 1 am and Ive peaked. Im not totally crashed yet but I can feel the sadness rising in me. That feeling you get when youre about to cry. Thats what Im feeling right now. On the verge of yet another breakdown and for some reason I cant cry. I want to burst out into tears but something is preventing me.

I zone out here and there and loose my train of thought and the need to self harm is back yet again. Havent done it for a week or so (if I recall correctly) but now the need is back and its kicking my arse.

I wont be able to sleep at this rate but Ive taken some Oxazepam in order to not loose my mind completely.

Im anticipating the next few days to be really hard work getting through. Luckily my money problems end on thursday so I wont have to be worried about not eating. I am gonna storm to the supermarket and buy like 300dkr worth of meat and stick it in the freezer. That way Im ensured for the rest of the month that Ill have meat to eat. And then have loads of spending money to burn on whatever I want. Which feels really good.

When you start getting depressed you can feel it. Theres an uneasy feeling in your body and for me my eyes start to hurt a bit. They feel like Im about to cry. You get all weird. Your mind stops reacting and you tend to just sit there and stare at thin air while you try to formulate a thought. But nothing useful comes out its all gibberish. And my voice comes back and starts mumbling and then saying things here and there. Like kill your cat or jump out the window. I know all of his tricks and thankfully I am so strong and properly medicated that I can laugh at it and ignore it....

Tomorrow theres a free concert on in the town square. My contact is coming over for coffee and another epic chat about life. My friend Sara is coming over to delight me with her excellent company.

Tomorrow will be a tough one but Im determined to flip it around and make it a good day. Chances are I wont go to the concert if I feel too shit or I can feel anxiety creeping up on me. But I really want to go, yet I dont want to go.

See you all later....

Hows the relapsing coming?

So.... theese past few weeks have been interesting, depressing and a learning phase for me. Just when my mood was at its utmost peek fate reared its ugly head and sent me spiralling out of control.

My delusions were at an all time high. I would think that my girlfriend had another man, that she didnt love me, that any minute now policemen would burst through the door and take me away. The policeman part has been a constant for many years. I have this immense fear that someone close to me has signed papers to get me forcefully admitted to an asylum and that the police are coming to get me.

My depression was brought on by a sense of unfullfilled love. I was the one coming to her with grand displays of affection and getting little to nothing in return for it. While I was with her the pressure of having to be something for someone else than yourself began to build. The need to self harm came knocking and I fought it for the longest time. Till one night I slipped and I cut myself on my hand. Just one and very tiny. I blamed the cat when she asked me.

Then a little bit later I did it again on my hand. Two symmetrical cuts. How was I gonna explain this when she was so against the act of self harm and so inept at seeing its benefits for me.

I then did it on a saturday not long after my birthday. The pressure had been building up and I decided to make it more severe this time. I did it twice then stopped. I then texted her and told her that shit was bad and that I might have done something she wouldnt approve of. The reply was astounding. I took a chance and told her. Both because I needed her support but also because she would discover it for herself. She responded by getting mad and the confirming my belief that she had no idea of how to show empathy. Okay that might be a bit wild but her respond was so apathetic that it made me go crazy. In total over two-three days I cut myself 53 times on both my upper arms and some on my under arm. I then dumped her on the last day of april when I realized that she wouldnt be able to support me and that she wouldnt be able to show me the care I needed.

I then met a different girl even though I had promised myself to stay off girls for some time. The whole being in love part makes me wildly unstable and sends me skyrocketing one moment then plummitting to the ground and crashing the next.

Her name is irrelevant but she was the girlfriend of one of my long term WoW friends. So naturally I went for it as I find him insufferable and her gorgeous. In my world I quickly go from one extreme to the next. Either I am best friends with someone or I hate their guts. I sound like I have borderline but thats not the case.

Anyway. We hit it off and for a week or two. I really cant remember. We had fun. Flirting wildly and making plans for the future.
Yesterday she gets a call from her boyfriend who knows something is up. She then folds right at the finish line and tells me that she doesnt feel right deceiving him and that she needs to think. So basically the jig is up theres nothing more to gain here.

That sends me into yet another hour long period of despair while I frantically cut myself and try to restructure. Thankfully I heard a really helpful song and realized that I wanted to hurt her like she had hurt me. I gave her an ultimatum and today she responded to that by sticking with her boyfriend. This fuelled a rage that was very well spoken yet the feeling that I was about to call her a slutty whore was there. The voice was screaming to degrade her as much as possible. Make her feel bad. Instead I gave the ultimate insults. Not insults that target your weight or appearance. Nope. The ones that targets your personality. I was nasty and gloating about it to my friends. Then proceeded to tell everyone I knew what I had been doing for some reason.

My rage has now subsided. She told me she would be there for me. Yet when I started talking about how I felt she dissapeared offline without saying good night. Youll be there for me you say ? Oh yeah Im really feeling that now.

Friends dissapeared as sleep beckoned and I was left here unable to go to bed because I needed drastic actions.

I have as of this moment. Since I resumed cutting a few days ago. Done it 42 times from what I could count. The number might be a bit unrealistic as its hard to pick apart old scars vs new scars.

The thoughts of suicide haunt me. The man inside my head is telling me to get on with it. Cutting satisfies his lust for blood and it makes pressure go away. I feel like I have a massive screw thingie on my head. And ever so often someone turns the mechanics and squeezes my head even tighter.

Im thinking I need to write her. But Im also thinking I need to get away from her.

Im thinking I need to write her boyfriend. But Im also thinking I need to get away from him.

Theres no end to the pressure thats building and theres no release from it either. I cut and I cut and yet the fix is only temporary. I showered but think I smell like shit.

Im off the concept of love for now. Cant handle it. Wont handle it.

My ex is maybe coming tomorrow to get a shirt she forgot here. I fear that it might send me plummeting towards the earth again.

We'll just have to wait and see.

Goodnight

"The Talk"

So here I am again.... At 4 am writing down my thoughts before I go to bed...

I had an okay day.... I drank two pots of coffee which in hindsight was a bit of a stupid idea.. I had a discussion with a friend over girls... Personality vs looks. I personally weigh in personality more than anything. That she looks hot is an added bonus but I would rather be with someone who is not the standard version of beautiful vs being with someone with a personality.

I want to take a moment to talk about my special someone. We met over the internet and started talking about playing together in a game we have in common. We were gonna do this player vs player thing which is basically rocking up to an arena or a battleground and duking it out with other players.

Things started getting serious after a few hours of talking together. She told me she fancied me and I told her that I liked her aswell. She already has a boyfriend which previously has sent me into a deep depression with lots of delusional thinking and suicidal behavior. But this time I found someone who wants me more than her boyfriend and were already talking about how the relationship thing is gonna work out. We live in seperate countries but its cheap going to England and I want her so badly. Tonight I told her I was in love with her and she returned the sentiment. I am in love. And it will work out fine. I might even move to England if things start getting really serious in a few years from now.

Anyway. I was called by my sister on skype who wanted to talk random. Then all of a sudden she started asking me questions about my illness and finally I gave in and told her everything.

I started crying twice and when the conversation was over I sat there with this impenetrable darkness wrapped around me. I did cut myself but only twice. But the remains of my blade is really really sharp so it got quite deep and I bled alot. I then texted my special someone to get online quick as she could and she ran home as fast as she could and got online.

We talked for two hours and I told her how I feel. Then we started small talking about sex and pokemon and then finally I told her that Im in love with her.

It was a massive release of emotion and it got returned which feels absolutely fantastic. I am now looking at getting through the next month and a half and then Ill see her pretty face.

Right now Im tired so all the negative emotions are back and Im getting ready to go to bed.

I read a site about schizophrenia and the lack of care for one self was on the list. Which perfectly translates into my low hygiene and the fact that even tho I have lots of holes I can still go to bed without brushing my teeth.

I gave a random girl advice on what to do. She has recently been diagnosed and was asking questions so I told her everything I had been going through and everything I did to get out of my darkness. I felt like I did a good thing and was all happy n shit when she went to bed. I hope I helped her out and that her path in life wont be as littered with bad stuff as mine has...

Also I am now up to my neck in work. I set a deadline for when the picture editing needs to be done and Im doing my best to stick to it. 40 pictures edited out of nearly 200. I got my work cut out for me and I am gonna be a busy bee with a friend coming over tomorrow and my contact seeing me monday.

So now I will leave you with this as I venture to bed.